I think I need to stop dating guys that are borderline ADD.... after re-reading the Puppy and thinking/writing about Homeless... I'm starting to sense a pattern.
FOCUS!!!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Homeless, part 1
Boy, I don't even really know where to start with this one. I'll warn you now, it's gonna be long.
I met Homeless about 5 years ago. We dated for about 3 or 4 months, depends on which one of us you ask. He was sooooo freaking sweet back then. He sent me flowers to my work, called me one morning and left a message saying that he had just rolled out of bed thinking about me and wanted to let me know. Whenever we would go out he would make sure I was occupied (not the right word, but I think you know what I mean) before going to talk to a friend and would keep checking up on me (he still does that) He held the door open (still does that too), was polite, he ordered ranch for me when we had pizza without me asking him to. Dumb I know, but its the little things that really get me.
And boy did he get me.
Did I love him? Do I still love him? If I'm going to be totally open and honest and out there with you all, yup sure was and still am. I will probably always have a wicked soft spot for him. T calls him my kryptonite, my crack. He's the only guy that I still kind of get all butterfly-y when I first see him. He's like an old favorite pair of sweats, or an old blanket that you just want to curl up in.
However if you ask me if I am IN love with him... my answer would have to be "Maybe? I think so? Sometimes? I don't know. What was the question?"
He is a walking talking confusing contradiction of vague answers and random statements.
He has managed to break my heart, more then once, and in the same breath make me laugh so hard I thought I would pee my pants. When you have his attention you have his full attention and you can feel like you are the center of the universe.... however he can be very "oh look something shiny!" and will walk away from you in mid word and make you feel disposable... all within about 5 minutes.
I should probably stop here and tell you that he isn't ACTUALLY homeless. He owns his own condo and car outright, he has enough money from a couple of inheritances that he doesn't actually have to work until he's I think 50? And he's turning 40 this year... T nicknamed him homeless because he gets drunk and sleeps in his car.... or the nearest park bench.... what? I have to give him props tho... at least he's not out drinking and driving and running down people or wrapping himself around a tree. However... sleeping in your car, or nearest park bench (what?), is probably not the best thing either.
ANYWAY...
I don't know what it is about him. Maybe its that I feel protected around him.... not just safe but protected. I know, even now, that he would eff up any one that messed with me, without hesitation. He makes me laugh like you have no idea. We have a lot of the same ideas, likes, dislikes, same taste in books and movies. We get along REALLY well (most of the time, you know when he's not being an ass).
Again on paper, we are an amazing couple. Damn that paper!
Don't get me wrong, he's not the greatest thing since sliced bread. There is PLENTY wrong with him.... for example.... he once had an ex-girlfriend slash all of his tires... ALL of his tires. He said she was crazy but now I wonder if he made her that way. Or we would occasionally hook up after we broke up, friends with bene's right? Bene for who? He would pass out in the middle of sex (I'll try not to get too graphic here)... not at the end, not before it got started... IN THE MIDDLE of it, IN MID ACTION. And not just once.... he did that like 3 or 4 times. Gotta tell you that is NOT good for a girls ego AT ALL!!
I told him once that he was the most interesting person I had met. And he will never let me forget it. Some of the stuff that comes out of this kids mouth is amazing. As T likes to say "who says that?! Seriously WHO SAYS THAT?!"
Let me give you some examples....
"I love that you love to put up me"
"You look good considering how well you've been used" (on my birthday)
"I respect you too much to sleep with you"
"I'm never going to die, cause God can't let the Devil have my soul. It would upset the balance between good and evil."
"I'll bet you've had sex more recently then I have. Oral counts too. When was your last time?" (said in a VERY loud outside voice in the middle of a movie theater)
"Soooooo.... are you pregnant? I'm guess we won't really know until you start your cycle on the 10th, huh?"
"I told her you were my stalker... OH! But I didn't tell her that we slept together last week, sooooo..."
"Amber (his fav bartender) wants to know what it is with me and chicks that have big asses."
And one of my personal favs..... "I don't think you could ever make me cry, cause there are no feelings involved. That's why we get along so well" (This comes about 2 weeks after he told me he loved me)
Everyone all together now!! "WHO SAYS THAT??!?!?!?!?!?"
Part 2 tomorrow....
XOXO
Darla
I met Homeless about 5 years ago. We dated for about 3 or 4 months, depends on which one of us you ask. He was sooooo freaking sweet back then. He sent me flowers to my work, called me one morning and left a message saying that he had just rolled out of bed thinking about me and wanted to let me know. Whenever we would go out he would make sure I was occupied (not the right word, but I think you know what I mean) before going to talk to a friend and would keep checking up on me (he still does that) He held the door open (still does that too), was polite, he ordered ranch for me when we had pizza without me asking him to. Dumb I know, but its the little things that really get me.
And boy did he get me.
Did I love him? Do I still love him? If I'm going to be totally open and honest and out there with you all, yup sure was and still am. I will probably always have a wicked soft spot for him. T calls him my kryptonite, my crack. He's the only guy that I still kind of get all butterfly-y when I first see him. He's like an old favorite pair of sweats, or an old blanket that you just want to curl up in.
However if you ask me if I am IN love with him... my answer would have to be "Maybe? I think so? Sometimes? I don't know. What was the question?"
He is a walking talking confusing contradiction of vague answers and random statements.
He has managed to break my heart, more then once, and in the same breath make me laugh so hard I thought I would pee my pants. When you have his attention you have his full attention and you can feel like you are the center of the universe.... however he can be very "oh look something shiny!" and will walk away from you in mid word and make you feel disposable... all within about 5 minutes.
I should probably stop here and tell you that he isn't ACTUALLY homeless. He owns his own condo and car outright, he has enough money from a couple of inheritances that he doesn't actually have to work until he's I think 50? And he's turning 40 this year... T nicknamed him homeless because he gets drunk and sleeps in his car.... or the nearest park bench.... what? I have to give him props tho... at least he's not out drinking and driving and running down people or wrapping himself around a tree. However... sleeping in your car, or nearest park bench (what?), is probably not the best thing either.
ANYWAY...
I don't know what it is about him. Maybe its that I feel protected around him.... not just safe but protected. I know, even now, that he would eff up any one that messed with me, without hesitation. He makes me laugh like you have no idea. We have a lot of the same ideas, likes, dislikes, same taste in books and movies. We get along REALLY well (most of the time, you know when he's not being an ass).
Again on paper, we are an amazing couple. Damn that paper!
Don't get me wrong, he's not the greatest thing since sliced bread. There is PLENTY wrong with him.... for example.... he once had an ex-girlfriend slash all of his tires... ALL of his tires. He said she was crazy but now I wonder if he made her that way. Or we would occasionally hook up after we broke up, friends with bene's right? Bene for who? He would pass out in the middle of sex (I'll try not to get too graphic here)... not at the end, not before it got started... IN THE MIDDLE of it, IN MID ACTION. And not just once.... he did that like 3 or 4 times. Gotta tell you that is NOT good for a girls ego AT ALL!!
I told him once that he was the most interesting person I had met. And he will never let me forget it. Some of the stuff that comes out of this kids mouth is amazing. As T likes to say "who says that?! Seriously WHO SAYS THAT?!"
Let me give you some examples....
"I love that you love to put up me"
"You look good considering how well you've been used" (on my birthday)
"I respect you too much to sleep with you"
"I'm never going to die, cause God can't let the Devil have my soul. It would upset the balance between good and evil."
"I'll bet you've had sex more recently then I have. Oral counts too. When was your last time?" (said in a VERY loud outside voice in the middle of a movie theater)
"Soooooo.... are you pregnant? I'm guess we won't really know until you start your cycle on the 10th, huh?"
"I told her you were my stalker... OH! But I didn't tell her that we slept together last week, sooooo..."
"Amber (his fav bartender) wants to know what it is with me and chicks that have big asses."
And one of my personal favs..... "I don't think you could ever make me cry, cause there are no feelings involved. That's why we get along so well" (This comes about 2 weeks after he told me he loved me)
Everyone all together now!! "WHO SAYS THAT??!?!?!?!?!?"
Part 2 tomorrow....
XOXO
Darla
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
The Puppy
I met the Puppy about 3 years ago I think… wow time flies!! We met at the local watering hole. Seemed like a decent guy. Little did I know. We had a bunch of stuff in common, excellent kisser! On paper we were a great couple. Trouble is, is that you can’t trust the paper. The main problem with him at the time was that he just irritated the hell out of me. More often than not everything that came out of his mouth pushed every button I have. Almost all of our conversations turned into arguments. Mostly they ended with him saying to me “I really don’t want to argue with you” to which I have to say “then don’t pee when you are on the phone with me” Yeah he did.
However he could really make me laugh. Like full on snorting in public laugh. Still can the bastard.
To be totally honest I really wasn’t all that into him, but I was bored at the time and needed a little ego boost. He was pretty to look at and had a killer bod. We nicknamed him the Puppy because he used to blow up my phone all day long. He was always chatting me up, or following me around the bar… not in a stalker kind of way, but like a little puppy. Every girl needs a puppy now and then. Doesn’t she?
So eventually we tapered off and pretty much just became friends. He started dating this one chick named Dot…. Yup Dot….. We all referred to her as WWW. What?
Anyway she was crazy psycho and totally stalked him. That was entertaining to watch. (I’m so going to hell)
We stopped talking after he got all involved with the wrong crowd and started doing drugs and getting arrested for DUII’s and stupid crap like that. However he keeps resurfacing.
The first time he asked me why we stopped talking and I told him it was because he effed up and started hanging with the wrong crowd. He swore he was done with all that and that he was “back baby!” That lasted about 3 months and then he was arrested again.
Second time he came back he showed up at the bar like the day after he got out of jail to “celebrate”. I ended up taking him home with me because he had no ride home, no money for a cab, and I didn’t want to drive him to Gresham. I SWEAR it was to sleep on my couch. I’m not even joking when I say that he TEXT me FROM the couch to tell me that he didn’t like the couch. Now for those of you who don’t know, my house is about 700-800 square feet, and there are no doors. Archways, but no doors. You can lay on the couch and see my bed. AND THE DUMBASS TEXT ME FROM THE COUCH! I had to get up and go to the kitchen counter to read the text message. “Fine!” I say “You can sleep in the bed with me but NO funny business”. I should have slept on the couch…. That bastard snored and tossed and turned all freaking night long. AND in the morning asks me for a ride to his friend’s house near Lloyd Center. OK, that’s not too far away…..um….. 43rd and Alberta is NO WHERE NEAR LLOYD CENTER!!
This last time he came back, he messaged me on FB the same day he got out and told me that he had been trying to get ahold of me while he was in jail cause he thought I would write to him and he put me on his visitors list. Really? I mean really? He showed up at my house was a couple weekends ago about 10pm totally wasted and walking down the street with a half case of PBR tucked under his arm. We sat outside on the steps for a bit talking. Him telling me that he's gonna take me out for Pho and a walk in the park.... with his $3.00 and on his bike..... bicycle that is. Really? Why are you trying to be all romantic with me? I'm pretty sure we're past that. Then he wanted to come in and "watch a movie"… yeah that ended up in an argument too…. I have to say that we do argue well. I think we’ve perfected it. I pretty much haven’t heard from him since then. But he knows he effed up, cause he left me a message saying so. I was like “yup you sure did', now hop on your Schwinn and ride away.
Oh Puppy, will you ever learn?
XOXO
Darla
However he could really make me laugh. Like full on snorting in public laugh. Still can the bastard.
To be totally honest I really wasn’t all that into him, but I was bored at the time and needed a little ego boost. He was pretty to look at and had a killer bod. We nicknamed him the Puppy because he used to blow up my phone all day long. He was always chatting me up, or following me around the bar… not in a stalker kind of way, but like a little puppy. Every girl needs a puppy now and then. Doesn’t she?
So eventually we tapered off and pretty much just became friends. He started dating this one chick named Dot…. Yup Dot….. We all referred to her as WWW. What?
Anyway she was crazy psycho and totally stalked him. That was entertaining to watch. (I’m so going to hell)
We stopped talking after he got all involved with the wrong crowd and started doing drugs and getting arrested for DUII’s and stupid crap like that. However he keeps resurfacing.
The first time he asked me why we stopped talking and I told him it was because he effed up and started hanging with the wrong crowd. He swore he was done with all that and that he was “back baby!” That lasted about 3 months and then he was arrested again.
Second time he came back he showed up at the bar like the day after he got out of jail to “celebrate”. I ended up taking him home with me because he had no ride home, no money for a cab, and I didn’t want to drive him to Gresham. I SWEAR it was to sleep on my couch. I’m not even joking when I say that he TEXT me FROM the couch to tell me that he didn’t like the couch. Now for those of you who don’t know, my house is about 700-800 square feet, and there are no doors. Archways, but no doors. You can lay on the couch and see my bed. AND THE DUMBASS TEXT ME FROM THE COUCH! I had to get up and go to the kitchen counter to read the text message. “Fine!” I say “You can sleep in the bed with me but NO funny business”. I should have slept on the couch…. That bastard snored and tossed and turned all freaking night long. AND in the morning asks me for a ride to his friend’s house near Lloyd Center. OK, that’s not too far away…..um….. 43rd and Alberta is NO WHERE NEAR LLOYD CENTER!!
This last time he came back, he messaged me on FB the same day he got out and told me that he had been trying to get ahold of me while he was in jail cause he thought I would write to him and he put me on his visitors list. Really? I mean really? He showed up at my house was a couple weekends ago about 10pm totally wasted and walking down the street with a half case of PBR tucked under his arm. We sat outside on the steps for a bit talking. Him telling me that he's gonna take me out for Pho and a walk in the park.... with his $3.00 and on his bike..... bicycle that is. Really? Why are you trying to be all romantic with me? I'm pretty sure we're past that. Then he wanted to come in and "watch a movie"… yeah that ended up in an argument too…. I have to say that we do argue well. I think we’ve perfected it. I pretty much haven’t heard from him since then. But he knows he effed up, cause he left me a message saying so. I was like “yup you sure did', now hop on your Schwinn and ride away.
Oh Puppy, will you ever learn?
XOXO
Darla
Friday, July 22, 2011
Side note....
All I have to say is that they are all very lucky that I am me and that I have a kind and good heart and that I am a softy. However I do not let things go quickly or quietly. Break a promise and its on.
You know who you are.
You know who you are.
The Young One....
Howdy All! Yup its background time.... each of the main characters are gonna have their 10 seconds of fame here. Lucky them!
Let me start by saying that you probably won't hear much about the Young One unless I go back thru some text message archives. I haven't really talked to him in about a year.
I met him thru a friend and I honestly don't remember how old he was at the time. He was legal so.... whew! Anyway we didn't really start messing around until a few years later, and by then I know he was at least 21, maybe 22. And yes I am old enough to be his mother.... a really really young mother. He doesn't live in town so most of it was dirty text messages (I should teach a class).... boys now days are all about the text messages... what happened to calling a girl?
Anyway....
He was a sweet kid, but it was doomed to fail from the start. First he was who he was.... can't go any further into it then that. Trust me. Second, he really wanted to get married and have like a million babies. Anyone who knows me knows that this is not really my game plan to put it mildly. Kids freak me out. Scratch that BABIES freak me out. Third, he was YOUNG. I know age isn't supposed to matter and if you're in love you don't see age... blah blah blah blah. But 14 years difference is A LOT. And with guys its not just the 14 years you are dealing with. They are like dogs, but in reverse. For dogs one of our years is like 7 for them right? Well with guys 7 of our female years is like one of theirs. My theory is take a guys age and subtract 7 years and you get his maturity level. 21 = 14. Now tell me if you are 30 something, do you really have any business messing around with some one that has the maturity level of a 14 year old boy?
Yeah didn't think so!
So having said all that the BIGGEST problem with the Young One was that he was a really bad kisser.... really impressive at other things (I'll keep it clean this is a family show after all).... REALLY impressive. The kissing however was extremely lacking... came at you with full on open mouth and crazy tongue action.
OK First... you're an adult, a young one, but still and adult... spell out "and" and "you"... the letter N and the letter U don't really cut it. That says to me that you don't even have enough time to give me to actually spell out words.
Second... I haven't talked to you AT ALL in over a year and that's how you're gonna come at me? Really? Not even a how are you? What have you been up to? I missed you.
Third... YOU want ME to take time off on my bday so I can have you come at me with the really bad kissing?! You have got to be kidding me!
REALLY?!
I gotta say totally offended.
Please correct me if I'm wrong here.
OK getting off my high horse now
XOXO
Darla
Let me start by saying that you probably won't hear much about the Young One unless I go back thru some text message archives. I haven't really talked to him in about a year.
I met him thru a friend and I honestly don't remember how old he was at the time. He was legal so.... whew! Anyway we didn't really start messing around until a few years later, and by then I know he was at least 21, maybe 22. And yes I am old enough to be his mother.... a really really young mother. He doesn't live in town so most of it was dirty text messages (I should teach a class).... boys now days are all about the text messages... what happened to calling a girl?
Anyway....
He was a sweet kid, but it was doomed to fail from the start. First he was who he was.... can't go any further into it then that. Trust me. Second, he really wanted to get married and have like a million babies. Anyone who knows me knows that this is not really my game plan to put it mildly. Kids freak me out. Scratch that BABIES freak me out. Third, he was YOUNG. I know age isn't supposed to matter and if you're in love you don't see age... blah blah blah blah. But 14 years difference is A LOT. And with guys its not just the 14 years you are dealing with. They are like dogs, but in reverse. For dogs one of our years is like 7 for them right? Well with guys 7 of our female years is like one of theirs. My theory is take a guys age and subtract 7 years and you get his maturity level. 21 = 14. Now tell me if you are 30 something, do you really have any business messing around with some one that has the maturity level of a 14 year old boy?
Yeah didn't think so!
So having said all that the BIGGEST problem with the Young One was that he was a really bad kisser.... really impressive at other things (I'll keep it clean this is a family show after all).... REALLY impressive. The kissing however was extremely lacking... came at you with full on open mouth and crazy tongue action.
Girls don't you agree with me that the dude (or chick, don't want to offend or alienate) you're seeing or messing around with HAS to be a great kisser.... otherwise even if he's good at other things all you can focus on is the kissing? Like you can be getting all into the nasty and having a good time and then he starts kissing on you and all you can think is "OK please stop cause you just killed the mood". But how do you tell him that he's a bad kisser without hurting his feelings? Do you try to deflect it in some way? Distract him with other things?
So like i said its been about a year since I talked to him. Honestly I got bored with him and ended it. Not a great reason, but there it is. I kind of randomly ran into him a little while ago and can we say awkward? He did give me a big hug when we said good bye and I had to give him the "pat pat". You would think that would be the end of it but no! I got a message from him on FB about a week later asking me what my bday plans were and to text him and that seeing me brought back good memories. I was like OK I can see what this is about. So I text him what I had planned and this is what I got back.
"I have 2 days off from work. I could come up Thursday n be with u n maybe u could take that Friday off n we could just fool around all day before I had to come back for work Saturday morning"
OK First... you're an adult, a young one, but still and adult... spell out "and" and "you"... the letter N and the letter U don't really cut it. That says to me that you don't even have enough time to give me to actually spell out words.
Second... I haven't talked to you AT ALL in over a year and that's how you're gonna come at me? Really? Not even a how are you? What have you been up to? I missed you.
Third... YOU want ME to take time off on my bday so I can have you come at me with the really bad kissing?! You have got to be kidding me!
REALLY?!
I gotta say totally offended.
Please correct me if I'm wrong here.
OK getting off my high horse now
XOXO
Darla
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Beginings...
Hey all!!
This is my first venture into blogging, so bare with me :)
My good friend and YAYA sister, T, has been telling me for YEARS that I should start a blog about all the dumbass things boys have said to me over the years. So here it is.
I am getting to be a woman of a certain age, not quite there yet, but definitely old enough to know better. I am sooooo NOT one of those "but I luuuuuuuv him!" girls. If anything I am the total opposite, at least I think I am. Pretty sarcastic, but very glass is half full when it comes down to it. I like to see the good in people even when its probably not there and definitely give more chances then is deserved.
I have a lot of really fabulous friends and am very lucky that they are brutally honest with me. If you can't trust the people that will tell you the god's honest truth when you ask for it who can you trust? Thanks guys!!
However I am the last of my kind amongst them... the only single one left.... and they are pretty good about not trying to set me up with their husbands, co-workers, aunts, cousins, fathers dog walker... however T's mom in law did try to set me up with her cousin once. ONCE!
They all know the rules and guidelines, and when a relationship goes down in flames the list gets longer, mostly its them adding to it, not me. Hahahahah!!
They also know, god bless them, that if anyone ever says to me "Don't worry you'll find some one some day" I will explode and take them all with me, with out any kind of hesitation.
Seriously to all you married people or people in relationships out there.... that is the WORST thing you could ever say to a single person.
These are all guys that I have been in some kind of relationship or another at some point and I have tried to remain friends with. However it has been pointed out to me over and over and over again that its not a good idea to be friends with a guy that has seen you nekked and is no longer allowed to. Cause it always comes back to that. Always.
So just to give you a little taste of what this is all about... here are a couple of things that have been said to me over the years...
Homeless: "You look pretty good considering how much you've been used" (please keep in mind this was on my 37th bday)
The Puppy: (after showing up at my house at 10pm wasted) "Wanna watch a movie?" Me: "No, I wanna go to sleep" Puppy: "Geez I thought I would at least get a foot in the door.......(pause) can you give me a ride home? I think I'm drunk."
Then there are of course the various online dates I have been on.....
But I think that may be a blog for another day.
This one is long enough.
XOXO
Darla
This is my first venture into blogging, so bare with me :)
My good friend and YAYA sister, T, has been telling me for YEARS that I should start a blog about all the dumbass things boys have said to me over the years. So here it is.
I am getting to be a woman of a certain age, not quite there yet, but definitely old enough to know better. I am sooooo NOT one of those "but I luuuuuuuv him!" girls. If anything I am the total opposite, at least I think I am. Pretty sarcastic, but very glass is half full when it comes down to it. I like to see the good in people even when its probably not there and definitely give more chances then is deserved.
I have a lot of really fabulous friends and am very lucky that they are brutally honest with me. If you can't trust the people that will tell you the god's honest truth when you ask for it who can you trust? Thanks guys!!
However I am the last of my kind amongst them... the only single one left.... and they are pretty good about not trying to set me up with their husbands, co-workers, aunts, cousins, fathers dog walker... however T's mom in law did try to set me up with her cousin once. ONCE!
They all know the rules and guidelines, and when a relationship goes down in flames the list gets longer, mostly its them adding to it, not me. Hahahahah!!
They also know, god bless them, that if anyone ever says to me "Don't worry you'll find some one some day" I will explode and take them all with me, with out any kind of hesitation.
Seriously to all you married people or people in relationships out there.... that is the WORST thing you could ever say to a single person.
There are a few key players you should be aware of:
Homeless
Homeless
The Young One
The Puppy
Yup you guessed it, names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.
These are all guys that I have been in some kind of relationship or another at some point and I have tried to remain friends with. However it has been pointed out to me over and over and over again that its not a good idea to be friends with a guy that has seen you nekked and is no longer allowed to. Cause it always comes back to that. Always.
So just to give you a little taste of what this is all about... here are a couple of things that have been said to me over the years...
Homeless: "You look pretty good considering how much you've been used" (please keep in mind this was on my 37th bday)
The Puppy: (after showing up at my house at 10pm wasted) "Wanna watch a movie?" Me: "No, I wanna go to sleep" Puppy: "Geez I thought I would at least get a foot in the door.......(pause) can you give me a ride home? I think I'm drunk."
Then there are of course the various online dates I have been on.....
But I think that may be a blog for another day.
This one is long enough.
XOXO
Darla
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